Question Summary:
why is it so hard for muslim girls of south asian background to get married? Why do Pakistani/Indian parents of men insist that the girl be slim, fair, pretty, well-educated and religious? Question Detail:
why is it so hard for muslim girls of south asian background to get married? Why do Pakistani/Indian parents of men insist that the girl be slim, fair, pretty, well-educated and religious? No girl can be all those things. If a girl is fat, or has acne, or is not very tall, then no proposals come for her. Why are Pakistani/Indian parents like this? Will they be punished on the day of judgment? Is there anything in Islam that says women who are not beautiful should not get married? I am not pretty very shy, and no one has ever shown an interest in me. When i was in my twenties, i was a good girl and didnt' look for a man; i assumed my parents would do so, but no one told me about all these conditions i woul dhave to meet about my physical appearance. No one told me that in Islam, the girls have to be a certain look before they get rishta's. Now, because i am in my30's, it is too late, because Muslim Pakistani/Indians think that after age 30 girls are unmarriageable. Even you say on your site that girls should get married young, and when they are older no one is interested. There are no "elders" in my community who can help.
Why do muslim cultures breed such notions? Isn't it better for a woman to go out and find a man on her own, rather than be subjected to the scrutiny of parents of men? and aren't you encouraging, or condoning, such attitudes?
what is the punishment in the hereafter for the parent of men, Pakistani/Indian's in general, and so-called community leaders who chastise girls for the clothes they wear but say absolutely nothing if parents focus too much on the girl's skin colour etc.
Answer :
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
Jazakillah for writing to the institute with a query which is of great relevance in our ummah today.
Sister, you have probably read about the life of our beloved Nabi(sallallaahu alayhi wassallam). You will have read about his marriage to the first woman in Islam, the noble Khadija (radiallaahu anhu). She was 40years old and he was only 25 years old when they married. She was previously a widow but he was still a bachelor. She was a wealthy business woman. He was an ordinary, honest, unlettered citizen who was working for her. Most of Nabi (sallallaahu alayhi wassallam's) children were born of this marriage. He did not marry anyone else whilst she was alive. Let us look at the other wives. They were either widows or divorcees. They were of varying ages. Only Ayesha (radiallaahu anhu) was a young virgin. All the wives served and assisted our Nabi (sallaahu alayhi wassallam) with love and humility. There was no question of them being chosen as wives because of their beauty, wealth, youth or status.
You ask about the negative attitude and prejudice which exists in the Indo-Pak communities against women who are not povertly, or rather, physically attractive or young. Sister, I think this kind of thinking exists in many communities, Muslim and non Muslim. Unfortunately, there is a general emphasis on youth, beauty, status and wealth amongst many Muslim communities.There is no order in Islam that women over 20 should not marry or that men should not marry them.
Unfortunately, Muslim parents and communities act according to customs and cultures of the countries they live in rather than take note of the teachings of Islam. There is no wrong or harm in marrying a woman who is older than 20 years. She brings with her emotional maturity and stability. When it is suggested that one should marry young, it is because, that is when one is more healthy and easily able to cope with pregnancies, looking after the home, raising the children and attending to responsibilities, duties and tasks which she finds important in her life. Being an older woman does not necessarily mean that she wont be able to carry out any of these tasks. One realises the reality of what exists in the community when it is suggested that one should marry young. You will also know that Muslim parents are advised by Allah Ta'ala to marry their children when they are ready and when a good match/ partner if found for them.
The insistence of men and their families to find beautiful wives is vain and not in keeping with the values and teachings of Islam. This is an aberration most of us suffer from. Mothers also perpetuate this unfair and illogical practice by insisting on finding their sons beautiful wives. They later regret their choices when they discover that the beauty is skin deep and that piety is non existent in the wife's daily amal and life.
Please understand that Islam does not "breed such notions" nor does it encourage them. Like I said, this is part of the non-Muslim culture and some Muslims choose to remain ignorant or they give in to their own nafs instead of obeying Allah Ta'ala's commands. Please do understand that we do not condone or encourage the scrutinising of women as if they are cattle or slaves. You will find many articles on our website which speak of the honour and dignity of women and the respect every woman and girl should be treated by her parents, brothers, husband and sons. Women who wish to marry should not be put on 'show' as if they are in a cattle market. Islam has given clear guidelines on how parents should do thorough background checks on men who come to ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. Only after they are sure that the man is a suitable, pious and honourable man, should they allow him to meet their precious daughter with a view to allowing the couple to make up their own mind about marrying each other. If parents fail in their duty and if they make unreasonable demands on their daughters, they will be held accountable by Allah Ta'ala for their failure to honour their daughters. A Muslim woman is not encouraged to look for her own husband. She can be vulnerable if she does not get her parents blessings as the man may turn out to be unsuitable and she may not get her parents help and support when she needs it.
Sister, you need to separate the actions of human beings from the commands of Allah Ta'ala. I agree with you that it is wrong for men to demand fair skinned and beautiful eyed wives. However, Allah Ta'ala has given us strict guidelines about hayah (modesty) and covering up. It does not mean that if some parents and men allow their nafs to demand beauty as a criterion for choosing a wife, women should give up their honour by exposing their beauty or body for men to see. Do remember that Allah Ta'ala has chosen partners for whom He pleases and He has denied partners to others. In His infinite wisdom, Allah Ta'ala knows best why this should be so. Perhaps there are higher stages and other tests Allah Ta'ala has for those who do not marry. Despair, depression and feelings of hopelessness should not overtake one. It is better to make shukr for the blessings we already have. You are not ugly. No creation of Allah Ta'ala is ugly. You are precious and Allah T'ala knows what is in your heart. Do read the Quran in English so that you can understand what is being conveyed to you. You will learn that we have deviated far from Allah Ta'ala in our actions and practices. It is best to educate ourselves and our loved ones so that we can all function according to Allah Ta'ala's laws instead of alien cultures. I thank you for writing to us and please feel free to write again if you wish to have clarity on this matter. May Allah Ta'ala grant you sabr and a pious sincere husband in marriage.
And Allah knows best
Wassalam
Sister Fadila
Social Dept.
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In'aamiyyah
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