Question Summary:
Troubled relationship with ex-wife Question Detail:
We are originally from India and now live in australiaWe have been married for 9 years and have 2 kids, aged 5 and 1. We have had a turbulent relationship all along and were close to separation few times. I finally decided that there is no way forward and said Talaaq and after 3 months she moved out with kids renting a house near my place. I try to spend as much time as possible with kids. I love them and they love me very much. I just pray to Allah that my children don't suffer due to our situation but it feels like they will. The trouble was that she always felt that I dont deserve her and has never respected me. She is disobedient and wants me to be her slave. There is absolutely no question of reasoning or arguing with her. I have tried to stop talking to her, forsaking in bed, but she didn't care. I also spoke to her father, but he threatened and dared me to divorce her. I had to apologise and then get back just like every other time. She resented to me having any contact with my parents in India. She has humiliated them on many occasions and does not even speak to them. She also resents to me talking to my parents on phone, my other family members or even make any friends here. So much so that we absolutely have no friends here now and are completely isolated. I feel that she has always felt ashamed of me and hence did not socialise with anybody. Her family in India is everything to her and she didn't even let me be friendly with any of her family members.
The problem I have now is that I am very worried about how my kids will grow with us separating. I am wondering if it is wise to try to get back together (she might not agree) for the sake of my children even if it means I lead a life with no respect from my wife, no social contact, no friends, very little or no contact with my parents or family. Can I leave things as they are and hope things work out well and hope that Allah gives my kids a fulfilling and happy life. How far should I sacrifice for the sake of my kids? I cannot imagine a life without them and fear that my relationship with them will not be good if I remarry.
The other problem is that she is now trying to go back to India with my kids. She is now trying to get me into trouble by lodging false family violence cases and working on getting intervention order against my children citing children abuse. I obviously want my kids to stay with me and I can force her to stay here according to Australian law. Will I be committing a sin by forcing her to stay with the kids in Australia and not letting her go back to India( we are all Australian citizens)?She will not leave kids with me and go back. She was living alone here with almost no friends or social contact, but has now got her mother and brother here to support her.
Your answers are much appreciated.Jazakallah
Answer :
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We take note of your turbulent marriage and divorce.
You have exhausted all possible means to normalize your marriage. Unfortunately, those means were unsuccessful.
You may consider the option of remarrying your ex-wife. If you feel that she will adjust her attitude or you will be able to tolerate her as she is, you should consider remarrying her in the interest of your children.
A home with joint parental attention is better than a broken home.
On the flip side, if you feel that she will not adjust her attitude and you will not tolerate her and that will lead to disputes in the presence of the children, then being separated is lesser of the two evils.
We advise you to make istikhaarah and also use a middle person to consult the issue with your ex-wife. The person should be able to offer her correct and wise counsel.
If you both decide not to remarry, you should make use of Australian Law to restrict her from taking your children to India and preserve your visitation rights to your children. [1]
This will enable you to maintain contact with your children and bond with them – to some extent.
Turn to Allah and ask Him to guide you to whatever is best for you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Saad Haque
Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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