Question Summary:
Struggles of a revert

Question Detail:

Assalam Alaikum. I'm a revert Muslim. I was brought up in a city where no Muslims lived.At the age of 18 I happened to continue my studies at muslim school in a different city. I started my research on Islam and the first word which inspired me was " In Sha Allah". With Allah's mercy,my faith on him increased day by day and I decided this is the religion I want to follow and accepted Islam secretly. It's been 8 years since I got to know my creator and due to various family issues and situations I'm unable to practice Islam.But my faith on Allah never shook or reduced.However I lost hope halfway through and lead my life. My merciful Almighty revived my beliefs through his slave's salah and other behaviors. I tried to learn Arabic and we for several classes but never succeeded due to situations.I can't read Arabic. I learnt Islam through lectures on YouTube and other sources.This is a very short story of my journey in Islam. Ever since I accepted Islam I have never done any shirk.one thing I'm certain about is, I will not do any shirk till I die and I will never worship anyone but Allah.My question is in case if I don't get a chance to practice Islam and lead my life the way I'm currently leading, what will happen to me if I die? Second question I have is about born Muslims. I know that Allah will never do injustice, still when I think how lucky they are, I really get jealous and angry. Even though I know revert Muslims sins are forgiven at the time they accept Islam.Knowing everything when I think about the struggle I have to go through I feel jealous.How can I overcome this.Am I committing sin by getting jealous and angry for this reason.?

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
It gives us great pleasure to receive your question. We pray that Allah continues to increase you in your faith and practice. Your concern for your welfare in the afterlife arises from a healthy instinct rooted in belief.
Islam is not limited to a set of beliefs but encompasses a complete system that addresses every aspect of our lives. This is to help foster a relationship with one’s Creator, the worship of whom is our life’s objective. However, the practical nature of Islam may be difficult to bear for those who face potential backlash for publicly declaring their faith. The consequences they face range anywhere from socio-familial pressure to life threatening situations.
You are in a difficult position indeed, and we empathize with your plight. In such an unfavourable environment, Sharia has allowed one to practice Islam in secrecy. You may want to adopt this option for the time being. It will be challenging, but every attempt you make to follow his commandments will draw you closer to Allah. There will understandably be many instances where you will fall short of fulfilling your duties as a Muslim due to the nature of your predicament. Do your utmost to discretely uphold the injunctions of Islam and know that in the end, Allah is aware of your difficulties and that he is the most forgiving and the most merciful.
In the long run, it would be advisable for you to work towards achieving an independent life. You will find it easier to practice your deen when you are no longer subject to family pressure. During the time of the Prophet ﷺ, many of the Muslim converts in Makkah practiced their deen in secrecy due to the fear of persecution. They were only relieved of that fear once they immigrated to the free enviornment of Madina al Munnawwara.
As for the struggles that you had undergone in discovering Islam, people ought to envy you for all your previous sins have been wiped away with the simple declaration of the shahadah. The Prophet ﷺ is reported to have said : “If a person embraces Islam sincerely, then Allah shall forgive all his past sins, and after that starts the settlement of accounts: the reward of his good deeds will be ten times to seven hundred times for each good deed, and an evil deed will be recorded as it is unless Allah forgives it”[i].
In another narration it is reported:
قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: " ثلاثة لهم أجران: رجل من أهل الكتاب، آمن بنبيه وآمن بمحمد صلى الله عليه وسلم، والعبد المملوك إذا أدى حق الله وحق مواليه، ورجل كانت عنده أمة فأدبها فأحسن تأديبها، وعلمها فأحسن تعليمها، ثم أعتقها فتزوجها فله أجران [ii]"
 The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Three persons will receive a double reward: a man from the people of the Book who believes in his prophet and believes in Muhammad, a servant owned by his master who fulfills the rights of Allah and his master, and a man who owns a servant girl and he mentors her, teaches her beautiful manners, and educates her in the best way, then he emancipates her and marries her. These will have a double reward.”
The reason for the double reward is due to the difficulties faced in such a situation. You said that you envy born Muslims whereas in fact we envy you for the great rewards that you received which is actually an eternal investment.
It is worth mentioning that in Islam, the most virtuous of people after all the Prophets عليهم السلام are the Companions رضي الله عنهم of Muhammad ﷺ. The vast majority of them were reverts to Islam.
Don’t let the obstacles in your educational pursuits frustrate you. Persist with patience and sincerity and Allah’s help will be with you. We suggest that you participate in one of the many online courses for learning Arabic as well as visiting our websites for more information.  
We make dua that Allah keep you steadfast in deen and grant you success in this world as well as the next.
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Shibly bin Mizan
Student Darul Iftaa 
Toronto, Canada
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.