Question Summary:
My wife is disobedient, can I divorce her?

Question Detail:

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I think this is the fourth time I am submitting this question. I have seen how you will deal with similar queries from women but you are seemingly ignoring my questions. I beg you to reconsider this approach and help me. I appreciate that you receive a large number of queries. I also appreciate that you prefer not to deal with relationship issues however I see on your site that you often answer relationship queries from women. I have asked this question many times yet I do not recieve any reply. Please Oh inheritors of the Prophets AS I ask you in the name of Allah to help me. I am struggling badly with my problem and I have hardly anyone to turn to. For the majority of my marriage, I have suffered extreme emotional and verbal abuse from my wife. We have been married for 11 years. Our marriage was arranged and we had no haram relationship beforehand. My wife wears Niqab and we try and follow the Quran and Sunnah in our lives. We have 4 children. The verbal and emtional abuse consists of swearing, cursing, name-calling, belittling a lack of respect, denial of affection and of course denial of intimacy. The worst is constant making duas against me. I have also been physically assaulted on many occasions. I have never hit her or sworn at her. I have tried to follow the Islamic method of dealing with this. I have firstly tried to rectify myself and my worship. I have also taken my case to my parents, her parents, a Dar ul Ifta and I have also seen counsellors. Ultimately I have even issued her 2 divorces. I do not wish to break up my family however I cannot cope with her endless hatred, demands of divorce and lack of respect and love. I am a young man I have basic needs of love, intimacy and companionship. I have an easy going, kind and passive nature. I mean no harm to anyone. I have been advised to bear with patience. I am fed up of constantly being blamed for her, being told that as I am the husband the wife is a reflection of me. I honestly don't know what I am doing wrong and I am exhausting myself earning a living as well as cooking, cleaning, taking the children to school, doing the laundry and the shopping. By the way she has already been checked for Jinn/magic involvement. She does not have any mental health issues which has also been checked. My questions are 1) Islamically is her behaviour justified? She is often quoting how she is a woman and women were created from a rib and ho w the wi ves of the Prophet SAW would also behave badly sometimes 2) Assuming I have not oppressed her and given her her rights and fulfilled my duties, Islamically is it my fault? Does she not carry any of the blame. 3) She refuses to come to marital counselling or even speak to an Aalim on the phone. Is it dhulm if I divorce her? 4) If her behaviour is as I have described does she not forfeit her marital rights of maintenance etc? 5) Am I being unreasonable if I try and find another wife? 6) If I marry another wife and my first wife's treatment of me stays the same (Rebellion, disobedience) is it true that she is not Islamically entitled to equal and fair treatment given that she is Naashiz? Just to re-emphasise, I have consulted elders/family/people of influence. Her behaviour is making me cry every day and I feel helpless.

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
As-salaamu `alaykum wa-ramatullahi wa-barakatuh.
 
We deeply regret for not answering your previous questions.
We take note of the difficulties you experience with your wife. Your tolerance and patience are great acts or virtue and means of gaining closeness to Allah.
If what you have stated about your wife is true and reflecting the reality of the situation, then her conduct is against Shariah. 
It is permissible for you to take another wife.
It is permissible for you to divorce her.
However, you have four children from her. She is the mother of your children. You should consider the consequences of taking another wife and/or divorcing your wife. It is possible that you may get some relief from divorcing your wife and marrying another woman. However your children may suffer the consequences. You are probably playing the role of a mother and a father. You show love and care as well as maintain and rear your children. If you divorce your wife or marry another woman, your children will undergo emotional pains, they may lose the comfort of the one affectionate parent. They will be reared only by their mother and be influenced by her conduct which will be detrimental to your children. They may display similar conduct. You should apply your mind carefully and see what and where is the lesser of the two evils. Is staying with your wife a lesser evil in relation to the harm caused to your children?
In that situation, we advise you to sacrifice for the sake of your children. We also advise you to turn to Allah with Dua and Zikr and also make istikhara. 
 
And Allah Ta`ala Knows Best.
Hussein Muhammad.
Student Darul Iftaa
Tanzania
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.