Question Summary:
My daughter has just turned 18 yrs and left home 4 weeks ago as I found out she had a english boyfriend and has been drinking alcohol, I threatened if I found out she is having sexual relations I would kill her and is now using this an excuse to not coming home fearing for her life.

Question Detail:

My daughter has just turned 18 yrs and left home 4 weeks ago as I found out she had a english boyfriend and has been drinking alcohol, I threatened if I found out she is having sexual relations I would kill her and is now using this an excuse to not coming home fearing for her life.

She lives in supported accomodation and has benefits and can stay there for up to 2 yrs. She keeps telling me she is not a muslim as this is a cop out for her and does not have to hear my lectures about the sins she is commiting. She says will never come home properly but wants to try and build relations with me and selected members of her family by coming home alternative week ends, as she says will not give up her new life. She has been influenced and brain washed by this guy and he keeps telling her your family will come round to your thinking once they know you are serious.

he lives with his family and sees his siblings and nephew and nieces and has lost nothing and I have told her that she has lost everything for him. I love her but I am at conflict with myself do I let her back home and then try to work on her to change or maybe boyfriend will get sick of her and then she is already with me, or do I disown her because of her sinful life that I will never accept. I have grandchildren she loves and wants contact with them they are all aged under 5 yrs and we have told her this is not going to happen as we do not want them committing harem and thinking it is ok.

She starts university in Sept 2011 and the conflict started with me not allowing her to move away. She has met with me several times on our own and her version of not being a muslim is does not eat harem foods, has only 1 boyfriend not goes from man to man does not drink to get drunk and has only little alcohol, she is at conflict with herself over her choices and deep down knows this is wrong, she is the youngest of 6 children I have 4 that are practicing muslims and has been raised with morals and values.

We have never forced anything onto her and have allowed her to make choices with education herself, I know this is outside influence of satan. Should I try with her or disown her and hope she sees sense and come home.

Answer :

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Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,

We make du῾a’ Allah Ta’ala grant you the courage, strength and wisdom to deal with the issues you referred to in your email. Āmīn.
The guiding principle in Shariah is adopt an attitude that will impact most on your daughter. You know your daughters attitude and temperament. It is possible that maintaining ties with her will give you the opportunity to guide her to some extent. If she has made her mind up to lead her life and does not think anything of saying she is a non-Muslim, breaking ties may make no difference to her. Probably, that is exactly what she wants. No interference in her life. In that situation, it is better to have some contact rather than none.
It is also possible that she wishes to be close to her family. She may not be able to stay without her family. That yearning may jolt her feelings and thinking and lead to a dispute with her boyfriend. In that situation, it is best to cut her off for the time being. It is also important to know the boyfriend’s mentality and position your response accordingly to overpower him.
You should consult with people who are close to you and know your daughter very well to adopt an appropriate and efficient attitude. Also continue making du῾ā’ to Allah Ta’ala for the guidance of your daughter and also make Tawbah and Istighfār for any negligence that may have been the cause for this unfortunate situation.
 
And Allah Ta'āla Knows Best,
 
Muftī Ebrahim Desai
Daruliftaa
35 Candella Rd, Durban, South Africa
www.daruliftaa.net