Question Summary:
I have such good intentions and wish to be a good muslim, but I feel hypocritical

Question Detail:

         I am a 21 year old female who is studying law in the UK. I am not a good muslim. I have never even read the Qu'ran. Inside, I have such good intentions and wish to be a good muslim, but I feel hypocritical.
         Firstly I have many medical problems which I was born with and some just develop. This makes me resent my life and pity myself. I suffer from very deep depression, do not like myself, have no confidence.Also, I enjoy many things which I know are wrong and haraam, which I hate myself for. Things such as dressing up and going out.
        Another haraam thing I have done is had relationships. I have had intercourse with two men. The man I lost my virginity to was a huge mistake and I regret that. However the second man, I am still very in love with him and he used to love me very deeply as well. But recently he decided his love for me has died, he has left me and has gone off the rails. He says he well sleep with anyone if he so desires and he has started drinking alcohol. He is a good man deep down and I know how much he wants to be a good muslim.
         I still believe this man is the one for me. I regret having intercourse with him before marriage, but I still believe he is the one for me. How can I improve my life? How can I get this man to come back, with God's approval? I have suffered so many hardships in my life, I always felt God had brought this man in my life for such a reason, to be my husband. But now this man has suddenly gone so cold. Please help me somehow.
         Also, I know women cannot pray salaat whilst on their periods but can they read an islamic book which teaches them salaat? As I do not know how to pray and wish to learn.
         Please help me. I'm so scared. I feel suicidal, which I also know is wrong.

Answer :

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Rasulullah (S.A.W.) said, “The intention of a believer is better than his practice.” Intention is a stepping stone to do anything. You should keep up the good intentions as that will translate into reality some day. With that make a real effort to change and reform your life. You should not resent yourself and life. Be positive and first love yourself. Allah created you and every creation of Allah is special.

Believe in yourself and make a firm determination to steer your life in the right direction. You can do it with some effort. At least read your daily salaah and some Quran daily. Also get an English translation of the Quran and read some translation and commentary daily. That will be a means of educating yourself and gaining some peace.

Marriage is a major step in ones life. Do not be used by hungry and greedy men. Look after yourself and stay away from the man you mention. If anyone wants your hand in marriage, let them make a dignified approach to you. If you respect yourself, others will respect you.

A woman in the state of periods can read Islamic literature and educate herself.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In'aamiyyah