Question Summary:
I got married on my own meaning. I got married with my wifes parents approval. my family shows hatred and disapproval.

Question Detail:

I have been married to my wife now for 3 years and we have a son together who is turning 2 in a few months. My question is that I got married on my own meaning i tried and tried and tried for a number of months to get my fathers approval for the girl i wanted to get married to, but with no approval, I got married with my wifes parents approval according to Islamic law with witnesses and the proper way. My father had chosen my wife for my elder brother but my wife did not want to get married to him, and when i proposed to my wife she said yes. Now from that day till today 3 years later my father and family has mistreated my wife and have given me consistant stress and mental torture because of my marriage.

My wifes family is very kind and loving toward me so I am the same way to them. But my family shows hatred and disapproval till this day toward my wife so she keeps a distance from them.My question is that is my father and family doing unjustice according to Islam? because everytime my father quotes Islam and tell me about the treatment of parents from children in Islam and make me want to just end everything. I have read that it is not a SIN or it is not wrong for a man to get married without his fathers approval in Islam if the father can not provide an Islamic reason for the marriage not to occur? is that right? And please advise me on how to further interact with my family?

One example that will sum everthing up is that recently my fathers sister past away May Allah forgive her Sins, and me and my wife both called and express sorrow. but since i am going through some fianacial trouble i can not go and visit my father in person. now my father called me and said that he is very upset that i did not come to see him in person after his sister past away, but neither did any of the other sibilings visit him but i am the only one he is upset about!. Thank you

Answer :

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Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
Jazakallah for writing to us regarding a problem that does tend to affect Muslim families on a fairly regular basis. Every parent needs to understand that when a partner / match is found for their son or daughter, they have to obtain the permission of their offspring before they make final arrangements. Our beloved Nabi (Sallallaahu alayhi wassallam) who is our most noble role model, taught his companions to obtain permission from their offspring before getting them married.
If the son/daughter does not accept their parent’s choice of partner (for valid reasons) the parents should accept their child’s decision.
Reasons for refusing the parent’s choice could be that the son/daughter:
1.      Knows about negative aspects of the person but wishes not to make this “fault” public.
2.      Wishes to marry someone who is more inclined towards deen (other than what the parents have chosen).
3.      Isitigaraah turns out to be negative.
4.      The person’s lifestyle is not considered to be compatible to the son’s/daughter’s way of life.
 
There could be other valid reasons for the young person to refuse and these can be discussed with the parents, elders or learned scholars.
 
On the other hand, the son/daughter should seek their parent’s permission if they have a potential spouse in mind. The parents can discourage their son/daughter from getting married to that person if they have a valid reason.  The reason could be that they know the person has unacceptable habits, lifestyle, friends or character. It could also be that the person is not a Muslim/ Muslimah They would obviously have this information after doing a background check on the  potential spouse their offspring has ‘chosen’.
 
Parents need to accept and understand that when their children grow up, the latter’s needs and wishes should also be taken into account. It is important to discuss and guide their children regarding important matters, especially those that involve lifetime choices and decisions that will affect their children’s life’s. Grown children should be approached with respect, wisdom, understanding and tact. This leads us to another important aspect; that of the upbringing of children.
If correct tarbiyah of children has been conducted throughout their lives, both parents and the children will be on a similar wave length. Parents will understand and appreciate their children’s character and also their needs, dislikes and hopes  more keenly as they have taken the time to instill certain values and habits in their children. Hopefully, the parents have been excellent role models and their children will have imbibed many of their parent’s positive habits and traits into their character.
The children will also consider and understand why their parents have made a certain choice for them.
 
It is unacceptable for parents not to accept their son’s choice if they do not have a valid reason for this refusal. This results in unnecessary animosity, anger, hatred and sadly the breaking up of family ties for a prolonged period of time. Shaitaan is the only one who is a winner in this situation.
 
Allow me to suggest that although your wife does not interact with your parents, you make a point of visiting them on your own as often as you can. I don’t know how far away you live from them but do make a point of calling them every week and enquire about them. Although you say that are have financial constraints at the moment, try to offer assistance in a way that you can manage without putting yourself into more difficulty. Send them a gift now and then if you cannot offer financial help. Try your best to attend family functions as this can be a means of reaching out to them.  If your wife is not comfortable in visiting them, do not force her to do so. If they are ill, please do remember that you should make every effort to be available to them.
 
I also suggest that you should overlook their comments and the demands they make regarding your wife. Since you are happily married and you have a son, it will be better not to get involved in arguments and unpleasant words regarding your wife and children with your parents. Maintain your equilibrium, forgive your father for making unrealistic demands and leave their home with a smile and in peace. Your parents can be a source of Jannah for you. Treat them with kindness and seek their forgiveness. When you cannot attend their home when you are expected to, inform them about your reason and apologise to them.
 
If they find it difficult or refuse to accept your reasons, there is very little you can do. Remember to make lots of dua for them and ask Allah Ta’ala to reconcile the hearts of every member of the family. Insha’Allah, hearts will soften so that forgiveness and love will prevail. Ameen. May Allah Ta’ala guide all your family members towards greater understanding, tolerance and acceptance of each other, ameen
 
And Allah Ta’ala knows best.
Sister Fadila
Social dept.

Checked and Approved by,
Muftī Ebrahim Desai
Daruliftaa
35 Candella Rd, Durban, South Africa
T : 031-207-5772 F: 086-692-7275
www.daruliftaa.net