Question Summary:
I got married before 5 yrs with a girl of my choice who belonged to my mother’s relative.

Question Detail:

I got married before 5 yrs with a girl of my choice who belonged to my mother’s relative. However my mother was not in favor of the marriage at that time because it was slightly early than she had planned and she was not that interested in this girl as well. I now have 2 kids. I and my parents all live in a single house. After a few months of marriage problems started between my wife and my mother.

Both claimed the other to be unfair, disrespectful and much more. At various occasion I saw both being wrong. However I always wanted and told my wife that my mother being elder she should respect her and if something is done wrong she should remain quite. Unfortunately that was not the nature of my wife and she shouted and disrespected my mother at various occasions where my wife thought that she is right. I intervened at many times, sometimes supporting my mother and sometime my wife and both considered that I don’t understand their need and favor the other person. At some occasions I had been very harsh to both but not publically.

My relations with my wife are not the same anymore. My mother also because she is a mother got hurt my times because of my attitude by considering what I said to her in distress and because of some things she misunderstood of me. Although my intensions have always been that we all should live happily together. Because of a recent event now my parents have decided to move to a separate house as my father also does not like my wife as she had also been of the same concept that she being younger should always respect. I managed to stop them once before but now they are determined because my wife does not talk to them anymore. They calim that they cannot bear her attitude anymore.

They feel they are not respected by her. I pay for the house so they feel her dominating it. I have tried to cover up by all ways but in vain. I need your advice in light of Quran and Hadees that what are my obligations. I am the only son with them as my other younger brother lives in another city. I cannot see my parents leaving the house and staying somewhere alone in not so good condition as are currently with no child to take care of them in this age.

I feel my wife the reason I am losing my parents so I have limited my relationship with her. But what should I do now. Should I leave my wife, send her back or something or should I let my parents go in this situation. Pl. advice as we do not have any wise relative or any Imam near us to consult.

Answer :

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Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
 
We understand your predicament. On one side you have your parents who you so dearly love. On the other side you have your wife, a person of your choice in marriage. Besides that, your wife is also related to you through your mother.
You also have two children.
Your intentions of keeping your parents with you in one single house to live happily and united is appreciated. Your mother and wife have been on crossroads a few times already. You tried to remain neutral but in vain. It is normal for your relationship with both to be also affected.
After having considered your condition, hereunder is our advice.
There is a saying in Arabic,
من جرّب المجرّب حلّت به النّدامة
Don’t try the tested, you will regret
You have already witnessed the consequences of staying together. Do not insist on that. It is advisable for your parents to live separately nearby you. In that way you will avoid disputes between them and your wife and they will also have their own and freedom. You could also check on them and serve them.
Initially, this may lead to further imbalance and instability in the relationship. Probably you will be the target and aimed from all sides. Be patient and persevere this. If this transition is carefully and responsibly managed, the relationship will once again build and become stronger than before. Your wife too will have her space and freedom in the house and she will find it in her to make up with your parents for the past.
And Allah Ta'āla Knows Best,
 
Muftī Ebrahim Desai
Daruliftaa
35 Candella Rd, Durban, South Africa
www.daruliftaa.net