Question Summary:
I am ashamed of myself and in state what to do or what not. I have done many a time Istakhara but have not got any reply infact the night when i read salat-i-istakhara i sleep so soundly that i dont even now when it is morning.

Question Detail:

I am ashamed of myself and in state what to do or what not. I have done many a time Istakhara but have not got any reply infact the night when i read salat-i-istakhara i sleep so soundly that i dont even now when it is morning.

I am 32 yrs old sunni muslim, I am married since 2 yrs back to a man who was already married with 3 children it was our love marriage. We were NUS-BILLA in Haram Relationship since 4 yrs but I didn’t knew that he was married 7 mth before our marriage I came to know that he already has a wife, but till that time I was so close to the man that I couldn’t even think life without him as a same filmi style I try to kill myself also, we got married in march and in may my family got to know about it, they did my nikah again as formalities for society.

I belong to a bit broad minded family where friends in boys was almost allowed and I was very worng doing person in my life - Asstag-filullaf. Very outgoing and easily trusting people which spoiled my life alot.

Now my husband is unable to trust me and he hits me and even fears me to leave on my silly mistakes. My husband’s family does not know that we got married nor my family know that my husband was married. I go in depression when he fights with me and have nobody to share the problem. I even lost my parent trust and in a fear that if I would say the truth i will lose them forever.

Many times I did istahkhara about this matter to speak to my father-in-law, but my istakhara answer was always blank. I am in a state of what to do and what not to do. I AM VERY MUCH GUILTY OF MYSELF AND MY BEHAVIOUR TO MY PARENT. I DONT FIND A WAY TO REACH TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN LIVE HAPPILY WITH MY IN-LAWS WHAT CAN I DO SHOULD I SAY TRUTH TO MY FATHER - PLEASE GUILD ME WHAT TO DO GUILTNESS IN ME IS NOT LETTING ME TO LIVE SOMETIME I FEEL TO LEAVE EVERYTHING AND GO ANYWHERE.

Answer :

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Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
 
Jazakillah for writing to us and for trusting us with this information. Sister, it is understandable that you feel badly about the mistakes you have already made. However, I get the sense of urgency in your mail that indicates to me that you are now feeling trapped in this relationship.
 
What you have done already is water under the bridge.  You should try not to harm yourself further by filling your mind with negative thoughts and despair. It is very important for you to approach your family and tell them about his cruelty to you and that he is beating you up. You do not have to tell them that he has another wife. He has to do that.  So do not make excuses for him.  It does not mean that since you are a second wife, you have to be beaten up. Every wife has to be treated with kindness, even the third and fourth wives too.
 
As long as you keep your marriage secret, he is going to treat you in the way he is doing already. Your parents should see to it that he does not go on treating you this way by making your marriage public. This is very important for you as this may be a reason why he keeps you indoors. He thinks that you have no one to turn to. That is very wrong.  Since your parents do know that you are married to him, they have a responsibility to help you.
.
Allow me to suggest that you make lots of sincere tawbah, perform all your salaah on time daily. Read the Quran with understanding and make an effort to change our way of dressing and lifestyle if that is necessary. Once he sees that you are changing your lifestyle and coming onto deen, it will encourage him to trust you more. Insha’Allah, you could become a source of motivation for him to live his life according to the Sunnah and being a kind and loving husband.
 
Since you knew about him being previously married, you should try under all circumstances not to break his first marriage. It will be very important for you to change in a way that will be both positive for you and him. Try having taleem in your home daily, listen to the Quran and give up television. May Allah Ta’ala make it easy for you to tell your parents that your husband is beating you and may they have the ability to help you by talking to him, ameen.
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
 
Sister Fadila,
B.A. (Sociology & Psychology) Unisa.
Social Work (NDP) Unisa.
Contact :    031 207 6483
082 833 9755
Durban, South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Muftī Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net