Question Summary:
Disobedience to the father

Question Detail:

My father has a bad habit of lying and he never gives me money for self expenses.I have to lie in order to take money from him but still he doesn't gives it on time.If asked sweetly then he tries and delays but When I start shouting at him..he gives the money,abuses me and curses me.I am afraid of his curses.Will it have an adverse effect?As a daughter I have lost all respect for him.I try not to shout but he compels me to.

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Allah Ta’āla has commanded us in the Qur’aan Kareem to show kindness to one’s parents and not to scold them.
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا.
Translation:
“Your Sustainer has ordained that you do not worship but him and that you show kindness to your parents. If one of them or both of them reach old age in your life, do not say to them: ‘Ugh!’ nor scold them. Rather, speak to them with respect. Lower before them the wing of humility out of tenderness and say: ‘O Sustainer! Show mercy to them as they reared me when I was little.’ [Israa: 23-24]
 
It is a major sin to disobey and show disrespect to one’s father as reported in numerous Ahadith to the extent that even if one’s parents are Non-Muslims or even if they apparently oppress us ^[1] , respect and courtesy of their rights has vehemently been emphasized as long as it is not contrary to Shariah. You have transgressed the limits of Shariah by scolding your father and showing disrespect to him.
 
It is not an obligation of your father to give you money for spending when he is already providing you with basic necessities. It is a favor from your father which needs appreciation when he hands over money to you for extra expenditure. At the same time, it is in your best interest and out of your love and compassion when he refuses or delays in giving you the money.
 
Your accusation of him lying is unacceptable and absurd. Due to the many commitments of your father, it is very possible that your father has forgotten or it may perhaps also be due to financial constraints. It is not permissible at all for you to lie to your father to fork out money from his pocket.
 
Parents never ever curse their children without any reason. It is when they are tired and fed up; they are forced into a situation that they involuntary blurt out such curses. If your father cursed you without any reason, then there is no hope of it being accepted.
 
Nevertheless, as a child/daughter you should ensure that you do not displease your father in any way nor should you reply to him when he is in a state of anger. Listen to everything he says with patience and tolerance, even if he is apparently wrong. There is nothing but goodness in you doing so. It is your ill-fortune and your destruction of this world and the hereafter in disrespecting and entertaining bad thoughts of your father. Instead, constantly make duaa for your parents by supplicating:
 
رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
‘O Sustainer! Show mercy to them as they reared me when I was little.’ [Israa: 24]
 
Make sincere taubah (repentance) and apologize to your father for the ill-treatment you have shown to him and try making amends by being kind and polite. 
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Safwaan Ibn Ml Ahmed Ibn Ibrahim
Student Darul Iftaa
Limbe, Malawi
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
_______________________________
 
الأدب المفرد (ص: 12) – دار السلام) [1]
حَدَّثَنَا حَجَّاجٌ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادٌ هُوَ ابْنُ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ التَّيْمِيِّ، عَنْ سَعِيدٍ الْقَيْسِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ: مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ لَهُ وَالِدَانِ مُسْلِمَانِ يُصْبِحُ إِلَيْهِمَا مُحْتَسِبًا، إِلَّا فَتْحَ لَهُ اللَّهُ بَابَيْنِ - يَعْنِي: مِنَ الْجَنَّةِ - وَإِنْ كَانَ وَاحِدًا فَوَاحِدٌ، وَإِنْ أَغْضَبَ أَحَدَهُمَا لَمْ يَرْضَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ حَتَّى يَرْضَى عَنْهُ "، قِيلَ: وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ؟ قَالَ: «وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ