Question Summary:
Desperate wife

Question Detail:

Bismillah.  Oh Allah, please let me know what to do.  AsSalaamu Alaikum.  I've been married to my husband for 28+ years, give or take a few months for divorce and remarriage. We have 7 children, (5 are grown).  Early in the marriage there was a lot of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Now it's mostly emotional.  I'm not attractive, I don't work, I'm simple minded, I stay in the house most of the time, I'm shunned by others, and I act childish (I attribute it to the abuse for such a long time, but I don't know).  My husband on the other hand is the complete Opposite of me in every way. Women seem to admire him, 6 figure income, seems to be liked by so many, above average intellect, commands attention and respect, and our children love, admire, look up to, and try to immulate........  Our children seem to be ashamed of me.  

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We take note of your distress and desperation. May Allah Taalah grant you courage to overcome your challenges. Aameen.

You refer to yourself in a negative way, not attractive, shunned, childish etc. You should change your mindset and focus on your positive attributes.

Allah blessed with you with Imaan. That is the greatest bounty of Allah with guarantee of eternal solution. The few moments of misery in this world will soon end.

Allah blessed you with seven children. In reality you are a means of at least seven people with Imaan coming into this world. What about your coming generation? You will be rewarded for everyone’s Imaan. You are very close to Allah. Allah blessed you to perform Salaah, to fast often. You also have the perfect value of a believing woman by staying indoors. In this era of free travel, your conduct to remain in the confines of your home is a great bounty of Allah upon you.

Your children are young. They are observing your values. They will appreciate your values as they grow older and experience life. They will value you more than their father.

You have invested 28 years of your life with your husband. Whilst his attitude and conduct is unfortunately un-Islamic, your patience has kept the unity of the family. If you would have broken the marriage, that would have major negative consequences on your children.

Children raised in a sustained marriage are different from children in a broken marriage. Your patience has saved your children from such negative consequences. You are a true mother with great morals.

Sister, we live our lives for the comfort of others, you have achieved that.

You should consolidate your 28 years of marriage with further patience and await the fruits of your sacrifices in your children. Continue instilling Islamic values in them. When seeds are sewn into the ground, they will sprout one day. Your husband has Imaan. Show him love and care. He will appreciate you.

Your analysis of considering another marriage is correct. It is a gamble with a great loss to your family. You should not consider that angle at all.

We advise you to turn to Allah with making dua to Allah.

Allah says:

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ  

And when my bondsmen ask you about me, verily I am close by (so call only on me).

I answer the prayer of the caller when he calls. So they should accept (my commandments and obey them) and always believe in me so that they remain on the right (with valid beliefs).

(Surah Al-Baqarah. Verse 186)

Allah the Almighty rewards you for everything you endure.

Consider the following Ahaadeeth:

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: من يرد الله به خيراً يصب منه

Translation: Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."

(Saheeh-Al-Bukhari, Vol 7, Pg 115)

عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ مَا يُصِيبُ الْمُسْلِمَ مِنْ نَصَبٍ وَلاَ وَصَبٍ وَلاَ هَمٍّ وَلاَ حُزْنٍ وَلاَ أَذًى وَلاَ غَمٍّ حَتَّى الشَّوْكَةِ يُشَاكُهَا، إِلاَّ كَفَّرَ اللَّهُ بِهَا مِنْ خَطَايَاهُ "‏

Translation: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

(Saheeh-Al-Bukhari, Vol 7, Pg 114)

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ مَا يَزَالُ الْبَلاَءُ بِالْمُؤْمِنِ وَالْمُؤْمِنَةِ فِي نَفْسِهِ وَوَلَدِهِ وَمَالِهِ حَتَّى يَلْقَى اللَّهَ وَمَا عَلَيْهِ خَطِيئَةٌ ‏"

Translation: "Trials will not cease afflicting the believing man and the believing woman in their self, children, and wealth, until they meet Allah without having any sin."

(Sunan-Tirmithi, Vol 4, Pg 180)

We also advise you to perform Salaatul Hajaah and seek assistance from the Almighty.

We observe you are winning in the objection of life and will win more, Insha-Allah.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Muhammad I.V Patel

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.