Question Summary:
Breaking ties

Question Detail:

My parents have had a severely troubled relationship their whole life. Back-biting, slandering and telling lies became their second nature. My father did not leave any chance to torture us mentally and physically. I tried everything to mend their relationship but it got worse. I got sick of that life and as soon as I got chance I got settled in a western country with my wife. 5 years ago my parents sent my 26 years old younger sister to live with us and finish her postgraduate studies. After few months my wife got suspicious of her activities and we checked her facebook account and found out that she was clearly having a haram relationship with a boy who was already engaged to someone else. I confronted her and she apologised and promised that she will not do that again. I kept looking at her chat history and after few days she resumed her relationship. I told my parents but they did not care about it. My father was worried about the fees he paid to the university. After exhausting all the options I asked her to leave my house hoping that she will go back to my parents and this relationship will end but she moved with her female friend instead.
After some time, my parents sent my youngest sister to live with us and finish her masters. I tried to convince them to not to do that in light of previous experience but they were adamant that she will not do anything like that. Her age was 22 years at that time. We lived together for couple of months and then my wife found few objectionable pictures in her laptop. In one picture she was on the bed of a boy while the boy was changing her shirt. In another picture she was swimming with the same guy. I sent these pictures to my parents and for that she got angry and left the house.
There has been no communication between us since then. I tried couple of times to invite them over to mend our relationship but they refused to talk to me. My mother blames my wife for everything and has fabricated so many lies against both of us. I do not argue with my parents as it is forbidden in Islam but I am heart-broken that my wife is being ridiculed. She has kept silent and did not tell anyone the real story.
Q1. Did I or my wife do wrong by checking their laptop and social accounts? Q2. Should I have allowed them to continue their haram relationship in order to not to break family ties?

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We understand the dilemma you are in and we do sympathise and make duaa that Allah Ta’āla removes all your problems and give you all comfort and piece. Aameen.
You describe your parent’s troubled relationship. You state that your father was abusive. It should be understood that the respect to be shown to ones parents can never be over emphasised. We have been commanded to respect our parent’s even if they’re non-Muslims and even worse if they apparently oppress us. ^[1] It is noteworthy that you are aware of this and do not argue with your parents.
A woman’s place is the home. Allah Ta’āla states:
وَقَرْنَ فِي بُيُوتِكُنَّ [الأحزاب: 33]
Translation:   
“And remain in your homes…”
Your sisters were supposed to stay at home. Furthering their studies - though not discouraged or encouraged - was supposed to be done in an Islamic environment, preferably at home through correspondence. In fact, at this age they’re supposed to be married off to lead a life of chastity. A woman’s place is the home.
Nonetheless, you had a good intention and tried in your capacity to remedy it, however, a bit more diplomacy would have been adopted in avoiding situations which have led you into this mess.
Try mending your relationship by getting an intermediary to try and resolve the problems amicably. The matter of them being involved in this Haram relationship is grave and worrisome. One cannot expect good to come out by sending ones children especially women to such colleges and universities. Generally, there is more sorrow, regret and grief than seeing the fruits of the purpose they were sent for. Yes, there are exceptions.
Instead of you inviting them to come over to you, we advise you to pay each sister a personal visit and explain to them with love and kindness your care for them, the shortness of this life, the consciousness of Allah and advise them to get married to lead a chasteful life.
Mend the relationship of your wife with your mother. Explain to her the whole story and don’t let her suffer in silence. It is always better to clear the air than to remain quiet and keep grudges in the heart. A little give and take away will take you a long way in mending your relations and in fact increase the love and bond between. It is our duaa that Allah guides you to do the correct thing in a correct way. ^[1]
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Safwaan Ibn Ml Ahmed Ibn Ibrahim
Student Darul Iftaa
Limbe, Malawi
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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الأدب المفرد (ص: 12) – دار السلام) [1]
حَدَّثَنَا حَجَّاجٌ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادٌ هُوَ ابْنُ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ التَّيْمِيِّ، عَنْ سَعِيدٍ الْقَيْسِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ: مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ لَهُ وَالِدَانِ مُسْلِمَانِ يُصْبِحُ إِلَيْهِمَا مُحْتَسِبًا، إِلَّا فَتْحَ لَهُ اللَّهُ بَابَيْنِ - يَعْنِي: مِنَ الْجَنَّةِ - وَإِنْ كَانَ وَاحِدًا فَوَاحِدٌ، وَإِنْ أَغْضَبَ أَحَدَهُمَا لَمْ يَرْضَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ حَتَّى يَرْضَى عَنْهُ "، قِيلَ: وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ؟ قَالَ: وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ
 
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
 [Israa: 23-24]
 
فتح الباري لابن حجر (10/ 481) - دار المعرفة - بيروت، 1379  
حَدَّثَنَا بِشْرُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ، أَخْبَرَنَا مَعْمَرٌ، عَنْ هَمَّامِ بْنِ مُنَبِّهٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «إِيَّاكُمْ وَالظَّنَّ، فَإِنَّ الظَّنَّ أَكْذَبُ الحَدِيثِ، وَلاَ تَحَسَّسُوا، وَلاَ تَجَسَّسُوا، وَلاَ تَحَاسَدُوا، وَلاَ تَدَابَرُوا، وَلاَ تَبَاغَضُوا، وَكُونُوا عِبَادَ اللَّهِ إِخْوَانًا
_________
 (قَوْلُهُ بَابُ مَا يُنْهَى عَنِ التَّحَاسُدِ وَالتَّدَابُرِ)
كَذَا لِلْأَكْثَرِ وَعِنْدَ الْكُشْمِيهَنِيِّ وَحْدَهُ مِنْ بَدَلَ عَنْ وَقَوْلُهُ تَعَالَى وَمِنْ شَرِّ حَاسِدٍ إِذَا حسد أَشَارَ بِذِكْرِ هَذِهِ الْآيَةِ إِلَى أَنَّ النَّهْيَ عَنِ التَّحَاسُدِ لَيْسَ مَقْصُورًا عَلَى وُقُوعِهِ بَيْنَ اثْنَيْنِ فَصَاعِدًا بَلِ الْحَسَدُ مَذْمُومٌ وَمَنْهِيٌّ عَنْهُ وَلَوْ وَقَعَ مِنْ جَانِبٍ وَاحِدٍ لِأَنَّهُ إِذَا ذُمَّ مَعَ وُقُوعِهِ مَعَ الْمُكَافَأَةِ فَهُوَ مَذْمُومٌ مَعَ الْأَفْرَاد بطرِيق الأولى وَذكر فِي الْبَاب حديثين أَحدهمَا
 
قَوْلُهُ بِشْرُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ هُوَ الْمَرْوَزِيُّ وَعَبْدُ اللَّهِ هُوَ بن الْمُبَارَكِ قَوْلُهُ إِيَّاكُمْ وَالظَّنَّ قَالَ الْخَطَّابِيُّ وَغَيْرُهُ لَيْسَ الْمُرَادُ تَرْكَ الْعَمَلِ بِالظَّنِّ الَّذِي تُنَاطُ بِهِ الْأَحْكَامُ غَالِبًا بَلِ الْمُرَادُ تَرْكَ تَحْقِيقِ الظَّنِّ الَّذِي يَضُرُّ بِالْمَظْنُونِ بِهِ وَكَذَا مَا يَقَعُ فِي الْقَلْبِ بِغَيْرِ دَلِيلٍ وَذَلِكَ أَنَّ أَوَائِلَ الظُّنُونِ إِنَّمَا هِيَ خَوَاطِرُ لَا يُمْكِنُ دَفْعُهَا وَمَا لَا يُقْدَرُ عَلَيْهِ لَا يُكَلَّفُ بِهِ وَيُؤَيِّدُهُ حَدِيثُ تَجَاوَزَ اللَّهُ لِلْأُمَّةِ عَمَّا حَدَّثَتْ بِهِ أَنْفُسَهَا وَقَدْ تَقَدَّمَ شَرْحُهُ وَقَالَ الْقُرْطُبِيُّ الْمُرَادُ بِالظَّنِّ هُنَا التُّهْمَةُ الَّتِي لَا سَبَبَ لَهَا كَمَنْ يَتَّهِمُ رَجُلًا بِالْفَاحِشَةِ مِنْ غَيْرِ أَنْ يَظْهَرَ عَلَيْهِ مَا يَقْتَضِيهَا وَلِذَلِكَ عَطَفَ عَلَيْهِ قَوْلَهُ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا وَذَلِكَ أَنَّ الشَّخْصَ يَقَعُ لَهُ خَاطِرُ التُّهْمَةِ فَيُرِيدُ أَنْ يَتَحَقَّقَ فَيَتَجَسَّسُ وَيَبْحَثُ وَيَسْتَمِعُ فَنَهَى عَنْ ذَلِكَ وَهَذَا الْحَدِيثُ يُوَافِقُ قَوْلَهُ تَعَالَى اجْتَنِبُوا كَثِيرًا من الظَّن إِن بعض الظَّن إِثْم وَلَا تجسسوا وَلَا يغتب بَعْضكُم بَعْضًا فَدَلَّ سِيَاقُ الْآيَةِ عَلَى الْأَمْرِ بِصَوْنِ عِرْضِ الْمُسْلِمِ غَايَةَ الصِّيَانَةِ لِتَقَدُّمِ النَّهْيِ عَنِ الْخَوْضِ فِيهِ بِالظَّنِّ فَإِنْ قَالَ الظَّانُّ أَبْحَثُ لِأَتَحَقَّقَ قيل لَهُ وَلَا تجسسوا فَإِنْ قَالَ تَحَقَّقْتُ مِنْ غَيْرِ تَجَسُّسٍ قِيلَ لَهُ وَلَا يغتب بَعْضكُم بَعْضًا
 
 (10/ 482) 
وَلَا تَجَسَّسُوا إِحْدَى الْكَلِمَتَيْنِ بِالْجِيمِ وَالْأُخْرَى بِالْحَاءِ الْمُهْمَلَةِ وَفِي كُلٍّ مِنْهُمَا حَذْفُ إِحْدَى التَّاءَيْنِ تَخْفِيفًا وَكَذَا فِي بَقِيَّةِ الْمَنَاهِي الَّتِي فِي حَدِيثِ الْبَابِ وَالْأَصْلُ تَتَحَسَّسُوا قَالَ الْخَطَّابِيُّ مَعْنَاهُ لَا تَبْحَثُوا عَنْ عُيُوبِ النَّاسِ وَلَا تَتَّبِعُوهَا