Question Summary:
Before we married I told my husband I wanted a child/children inshallah and he agreed. After marriage he made me take oral contraception even though it clearly gave me migraines.. Question Detail:
Before we married I told my husband I wanted a child/children inshallah and he agreed. After marriage he made me take oral contraception even though it clearly gave me migraines. He said we could have kids after being married a longer time. A few years into the marriage he admitted he had no intention of having more children, he has 4 with his first wife. Is that permitted to refuse to have children?
It feels horrible to me, especially knowing if he answered me truthfully when I asked I would have inshallah married another man who would not keep me from being a mother. He also lied and said his wife and family gave permission for him to marry again and they were content with the idea. In fact he has never told them about me and "never, ever, ever will".
A point he told me after a year of marriage. My family is not Muslim and I feel I have to keep all of this a secret from them as everything he does is a direct reflection of Islam and Muslims. We are the only Muslims they know. I often give them gifts and money and say they are from him and this is the way Muslims treat parents. My husband does not pay for my day to day expenses like food and clothing, electricity etc. he pays the house payment only, alhumdulillah.
I know for a fact he pays for everything for his wife and I didn't get anything for a Maher but a 1100$ ring and being from an emirate tribe I know his wife got at the very very least tens of thousands. I know I can't change him but by letting him treat us so unequally and refusing to let me have kids is he in danger of punishment in the afterlife? Maybe it would be better for him if I make him divorce me?
Thank you, these questions have been burning me up for years Allah maak
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Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
It is indeed painful that you are in the situation that you find yourself in at the moment. Allow me to be frank and to the point.
To say that his behaviour towards you is oppression is an understatement. Only a Muslim man who insists on being ignorant will behave in this way. He has taken advantage of you from the beginning as he has indulged in multiple deception, lies and treachery. He lies and deceives you, his parents, his children and his other wife. However, he is fooling himself. Allah Ta’ala is all hearing and all Knowing. He cannot get away with this deviant behaviour forever. He will go on earning Allah Ta’ala’s displeasure and wrath until he repents and stops the injustice and oppression he is practicing.
Do always remember that you are Allah Ta’ala’s creation and no human being should ever be allowed to oppress you. You do not have to even compare what he gives to the other wife. Allah Ta’ala is fully aware of this failure on his part. Yes, he is most certainly earning the wrath of Allah Ta’ala in his unequal treatment of his wives. His refusal to allow you to have children and his lack of financial support for you means he is derelict in his responsibilities and duties to you. I suggest that you approach the imaam who conducted your nikah since you do not have a male mahram in your family. You can obtain a divorce on the grounds of his failure to maintain you financially and also his failure to observe your right to have children.
Do not feel too badly about what your parents may say about your “Muslim” husband. Men all over the world from various racial and religious backgrounds, professions and status oppress their wives. It is prejudice and stereotyping that leads many parents to claim that Muslim men are the only ones who abuse their wives. It is totally unacceptable when Muslim men stoop so low and abuse their wives in this way. Our beloved prophet, Nabi (Sallallaahu alayhi wassallam) is reported to have said that the best of men are those who are best to their wives. His treatment to his wives was exemplified by kindness, respect, love, honour, understanding, patience, honesty, helpfulness and humour).
May Allah Ta’ala guide you to put these matters right with wisdom and as soon as possible. Ameen. Please do not hesitate to approach your ‘representative” for help asap.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sister Fadila,
B.A. (Sociology & Psychology) Unisa.
Social Work (NDP) Unisa.
Contact : 031 207 6483
082 833 9755
Durban, South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net
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