Question Summary:
Father unjust to his wife and children Question Detail:
My father is a Mowlana. My knowledge about Islam is like a drop of water compared to his sea but yet I think he doesn't obeys Islam. He married thrice. His 2nd wife is gone (divorced) and he has been living with his 3rd wife for about ....... years. In his early days after his 3rd marriage he was ok but slowly slowly he came to a point where we seem burden to him. He barely comes to see us and pays our expenditure. Note that he he makes about a grand USD which is more than enough for a middle class family here. He denies to pay our tuition fees wherease I see him buying new luxuries furniture for his other family. This surely brings tear to my mom's eyes and when I see tears inher eyes I literally feel like killing him. But as I have been taught that "Never hurt your parents, Allah will never forgive you" like stuffs, I control myself and have patience. But sometimes my mind says having patience in such situation is doing injustice to my mom and us and Allah won't forgive me for not teaching my father a lesson
Please help me. Advice me the wisest thing to do. Note that my father being a Mowlana thinks he knows too much so he never take any advice from anyone. We tried to asking his teacher to give him some advice but he denies being a biased father or husband.
Answer :
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Respected brother,
We sympathise with you on the suffering you and your family have experienced for the wrongs of your father.
While the Sharī‘ah permits a man to take more than one wife, this comes with great responsibility. A man who is married to two or more women must deal fairly with them. Failure to do so is met with grave consequences. The Qur’ān says:
وَلَن تَسْتَطِيعُواْ أَن تَعْدِلُواْ بَيْنَ النِّسَاء وَلَوْ حَرَصْتُمْ فَلاَ تَمِيلُواْ كُلَّ الْمَيْلِ فَتَذَرُوهَا كَالْمُعَلَّقَةِ
“You will not be able to deal equally between your wives however much you wish. But turn not altogether away [from one], leaving her as in suspense.” (4:129)
Meaning, a husband with more than one wife will not be able to maintain full equality between his wives in terms of love and affection because these are emotions of the hearts that are not within his control. Thus, Allāh commands the husband to ensure equality in other aspects which are in his control, like spending time with her, maintaining her and so on. If he was to deal unjustly in these aspects also, the wife will be left “suspended,” meaning without a proper husband and without the option to marry another man.
The Qur’ān advises men to take only one wife if they fear they will not be fair to more than one.
فَانكِحُواْ مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاء مَثْنَى وَثُلاَثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً
“Marry the women you like, in twos, in threes and in fours. But, if you fear that you will not maintain equity, then [keep to] one woman” (4:3)
It is incumbent on the husband to be fair to all his wives by spending an equal number of nights with them and providing for each of them according to their financial background.[1]
Rasūlullāh (sallAllāhu ‘alayhi wasallam) said:
إذا كان عند الرجل امرأتان فلم يعدل بينهما جاء يوم القيامة وشقه ساقط
“When a man has two wives in his care, and he is not fair to them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection, with his side paralysed.” (Tirmidhī)[2]
Hence, your father is committing a grave injustice and sin by not spending equal time with his two wives and dealing unfairly to one of them.
While we understand the situation is difficult and testing for both you and your family, do not let it overpower you. Keep your calm and do not trespass the limits of Sharī‘ah while dealing with the situation. Try your utmost to maintain full etiquette and respect with your father.[3] In this way, Allāh will inshā Allāh make an opening for you and your family. Allāh Ta‘ālā says:
ومن يتّق الله يجعل لّه مخرجا، ويرزقه من حيث لايحتسب، ومن يّتوكّل علي الله فهو حسبه
“Whosoever fears Allah (by observing His commandments), He will make a way out for him. And he will provide him from where he did not imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him.” (65:3)
Although it has been tried before, find someone your father respects, explain the situation to him and request him to speak to your father. Do this repeatedly and assertively. Furthermore, comfort your mother and show her your support with your presence and words of comfort. Make du‘ā to Allāh Ta‘ālā abundantly to bring you and your family happiness, wellbeing and contentment.
And Allah Ta‘ālā Knows Best
Zameelur Rahman
Student Darul Iftaa
UK
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net
[1] واعلم أنه من المنهيات من كانت له امرأتان أو أكثر أن لا يعدل بينهن. قال الله تعالى: ولن تستطيعوا أن تعدلوا بين النساء ولو حرصتم فلا تميلوا كل الميل فتذروها كالمعلقة، وإن تصلحوا وتتقوا فإن الله كان غفورا رحيما. أي لا تقدروا أن تسووا بين نسائكم فى الحب وإن جهدتم لأن الحب عمل القلب الذي لا يملكه الإنسان فلا تميلوا كل الميل، أي لا تجمعوا بين ميل القلب وميل الأفعال فى القسم والنفقة والبيتوتة والكسوة فتذروها كالمعلقة، والمعلقة: أن لا تكون ذات زوج ولا مطلقة كالمسجونة، فإنها منكوحة لا تصل إليها منافع الزوج وليس بأيم يمكن أن تتزوج، وقال الله تعالى: فإن خفتم أن لا تعدلوا فواحدة أو ما ملكت أيمانكم، ذلك أدنى أن لا تعولوا، بعد إحلال الأربع، فاستفدنا أن حلال الأربع أو أقل منه إلى واحدة مقيد بعدم خوف العدل، وثبوت المنع عن أكثر من واحدة عند خوفه، فعلم إيجاب العدل عند تعددهن، وقد صرح الله تعالى بأن العدل لا يستطاع، فعلم أن الواجب شيء معين، ولا خلاف أن العدل الواجب فى البيتوتة والتأنيس فى اليوم والليلة، وليس المراد أن يضبط زمان النهار فيقدر ما عاشر فيه أحداهما فيعاشر الأخرى بقدره، بل ذلك فى البيتوتة، وأما النهار ففى الجملة، وكذا يجب العدل فى النفقة من المأكولات والمشروبات والكسوة، ولا يجوز ترجيح بعض على بعض في شيء مهنا، ولا تجب العدالة فى المجامعة والقبلة واللمس لأنها تبنى على النشاط، فلا يقدر على التسوية فيها كما فى المحبة (تبيين المحارم، دار الرسالة، ص٢٦٦)
(قوله وفي الملبوس والمأكول) أي والسكنى، ولو عبر بالنفقة لشمل الكل. ثم إن هذا معطوف على قوله فيه، وضميره للقسم المراد به البيتوتة فقط بقرينة العطف وقد علمت أن العدل في كلامه بمعنى عدم الجور لا بمعنى التسوية فإنها لا تلزم في النفقة مطلقا. قال في البحر: قال في البدائع: يجب عليه التسوية بين الحرتين والأمتين في المأكول والمشروب والملبوس والسكنى والبيتوتة، وهكذا ذكر الولوالجي والحق أنه على قول من اعتبر حال الرجل وحده في النفقة. وأما على القول المفتى به من اعتبار حالهما فلا فإن إحداهما قد تكون غنية والأخرى فقيرة، فلا يلزم التسوية بينهما مطلقا في النفقة. اهـ. وبه ظهر أنه لا حاجة إلى ما ذكره المصنف في المنح من جعله ما في المتن مبنيا على اعتبار حاله (رد المحتار، ج٤ ص٢٠٢)
[2] جامع الترمذي، دار الغرب الإسلامي، ج٢ ص٤٣٤
[3] ويكره أن يبتدئ الرجل أباه من المشركين فيقتله (فى الجهاد) لقوله تعالى: وصاحبهما فى الدنيا معروفا ولأنه يجب عليه إحياءه بالإنفاق (الهداية، إدارة القرآن، ج٤ ص ٢٢٨-٩)
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