Question Summary:
Marital problems

Question Detail:

I am a .... years old woman, had married at the age of ..... to a muslim man from a different culture, who is 18 years older than me, and i lived with him, his mother, and his 5 years daughter (at the time of the marriage) from a previous marriage. Our marriage was not arranged, we married out of acceptance and decent feelings to each other. And i saw how he treated his mother and sisters and thought that he would treat a wife the same way.However, immediately after our marriage, i found out that i was completely wrong, and even though i know he had decent feelings towards  me, i felt like a Jariyah more than a wife.  I was doing all house chores for him and his daughter, I loved his daughter and she loved me in return and was attached to me as a mother and a friend. Yet with each argument, my husband would mention that I am not contributing anything to the house.He was also enforcing work on me, always talking about the importance of work in a western country and that i have to plan for the future incase he was not available to provide for me. I was against the idea and wanted to be a housewife, but he always compared me with his 3 successful sisters which was a little competitive.Furthermore, he was always busy doing all type of work besides his regular fulltime job, he was emotionally and physically neglecting me, we never had real privacy due to our situation, our house was always full with unexpected visitors (which is unacceptable in my culture but is normal in his) therefore we couldn't maintain a normal intimate relationship due to constant interruptions, to the extent where i invited him to intimate moments many times but he was rejecting me due to him being busy, at the same time, i was available for him every time even during the days where i felt exhausted due to overwork. Our intimacy was "pathetic" (the only word i found to describe it) from the first day of our marriage, yet we had some few good days to be honest. I had spoken to him on several occasions about our relationship (intimacy and emotional) and how we should work on it, and indirectly indicated what he could do to make me feel a little happy, but my words did not seem important. My mother had visited us and saw how dull our relationship was and told me (later) that she had spoken to him and advised him to give me a little time on a daily basis, but again, everything else besides me seemed like a priority to him, he never asked where im going, what im doing, who im meeting, why im late...etcOn top of that, i did not have a good relationship with his mom who always considered me an outsider or a "germ" (that's how i felt), and causing problems out of nowhere and attacked my mom during her last visit, therefore I was completely avoiding her at home, which was a little awkward, but I was left with no other options.While being overwhelmed, unfortunately I met a guy at my workplace a year and a half ago who compensated what I'm missing with my husband, which was attention, care, and physical attraction. I was not interested to be with that guy since I loved my husband, but couldn't resist to feel what I'm missing as a young woman. Our relationship was mostly via emails since we both did not have time to meet that often. I got pregnant from my husband (during my pregnancy, my husband was neglecting me even more that he did not speak or sleep in the same bed for over 3 months during my last trimester due to a stupid fight). After Allah had blessed us with a beautiful girl, i had committed a sin with my friend at work. I felt -and still feel- guilty, but was too weak to withdraw from that relationship immediately, i kept on making excuses to meet him again privately, but in the process, my husband found out.He escalated the issue, told everyone in his family, told my brother, asked us (me and our child) to leave the house at a short notice (kicked us out to be more specific). And we are in the process of divorce.I was not able to keep my job and take care of the child by myself in the western country, so i decided to go back to my hometown and stay with my mom.After my husband had told me that I will have the custody of the child and that he will help me, it seems that his family had pressured him to request the custody thinking that I'm not qualified to raise a child.He had tricked me and took the gold his family bought me for the marriage saying they need to borrow for a marriage before he announced that he learned about my behaviour.Please generally advise and kindly answer few of my questions:1- I am asking Allah for forgiveness and i have no doubts that Allah is Greater than my great sin, i believe my husband's attitude towards me played a major role in my mistake, yet i do understand that I had no excuse to commit such a sin and totally repent it. What should I do to get over the humiliation that everyone knows about my sin?2- If I was not stoned in life, will Allah still punish me in hereafter?3- I always loved and still love my husband and wish he can forgive me, even though i know that it is impossible to go back to him due to his family even if he was kind enough to forgive, do you think anyone would forgive such a mistake?4- My husband's family are pressuring him to take my child, what should I do about that?5- Do you think that our marriage was healthy? Do you think Allah arranged all that in order to save me from the stress I was facing during the marriage before something worse could happen?6- His family are asking for the dowery, and the rest of the gold back. Do I give back the gold due to my sin? Or was he not supposed to take anything from me at the first place?7- My mom -even though she had witnessed what i am experiencing and she had predicted that i will end up loosing my mind, yet has pity on me- is in a lot of pain and feeling a lot of shame, what can I do to compensate what I did to her?

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We are extremely saddened and grieved to hear about your difficulties in marriage and more so your impermissible affair. Zina is an extremely odious and abhorrent sin. Allah Ta’ala says,
وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him).(17:32)
However, we are pleased to know that you have at least realized you made a mistake and regret it. After immediately severing all contact with this illicit relationship, make abundant tawbah and istighfaar to Allah Ta’ala and sincerely ask for His forgiveness.
Undoubtedly, from what you have mentioned, there was shortcomings on your husband’s path which affected the marriage negatively. It must be remembered that difficult and challenging situations are inevitably experienced by everyone at some point in life. These conditions are tests from Allah Ta’ala in order to elevate their status and increase their blessings. It is however of utmost importance that when we face these difficulties, we turn to Allah Ta’ala and increase in Ibadah and closeness to Him, and abstain from anything that will bring His displeasure. Allah Ta’ala says in The Quran,
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
We will certainly test you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits (earnings); but give glad tidings to the persevering and patient (2.155)
In answer to your questions,
(1,2,3) Have firm belief that everything is in the hands of Allah. Everyone’s heart is in the control of Allah. If Allah wishes, He can soften the hardest and most bitter of hearts. Therefore, it is imperative you develop a strong connection with Allah by repenting and asking from Him. Allah Ta’ala loves those who repent and pardons their sins. No matter how grave a sin may be, if one sincerely repents to Allah, Allah Ta’ala will surely forgive him. Allah states in the Holy Quran:
إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ (سورة الزمر، رقم الآية 53)
Verily Allah forgives all sins. Undoubtedly, He is The Most Forgiving, The Most Merciful.” (Qurān 39)
Never despair of His mercy. Allah Ta‘ala says in another verse:
قلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ 
“Say (on My behalf), ‘O servants of Mine who have wronged their souls(by committing sins) do not despair of Allah’s mercy. Surely, Allah will forgive all sins. Surely, He is the One who is the Most-Forgiving, the Very-Merciful.’
It is mentioned in a Hadith,
Abu Huraira( Radhiallahu Anhu) reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: Allah, The Exalted and The Glorious, said: I am just as My slave believes me to be and I am with him as he remembers Me. (The Holy Prophet) further said: By Allah, Allah is more pleased with the repentance of His servant than what one of you would do on finding his lost camel in the waterless desert. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand. I draw near him by the length of a cubit and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit. I draw near him by the length of a fathom and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him hurriedly.(Muslim)
4) The custody of the child according to Shari’ah, for a female child:^[1]

Therefore, you as the mother will have the right of custody of the daughter until puberty.
5) It is impermissible to say, and impossible that Allah Ta’ala arranged for you such a heinous sin in order to save you from the stress of your marriage. Rather you fell prey to the temptations of Shaitan and your Nafs. Such a Haram thing can never be the correct solution.
6) You do not have to give back the gold that was given to you in dowry. Dowry is your right and belongs to you.
7) We suggest you express to your mother your remorse and help her and show utmost love and respect. Request her Duas, as the Duas of a mother is accepted.
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Arshad Ali
Student Darul Iftaa
Trinidad
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
http://www.daruliftaa.net/