Question Summary:
We married by proxy and my family do not know. What should we do now?

Question Detail:

Despite my family consisting of much ‘Ulama, until over a year ago, I was not very practising. Alhamdulillah, I have now established myself more firmly into the Deen, & now I am in my second year of Aalimah. During that transitional period, I sought help from a brother on the internet who I had known to be working in an Islamic forum, and I admired and was inspired by his Deen, and Alhamdulillah, his stead-fast love for it, and I realised that my heart had become resolved in marrying him due to this. We spoke about it and agreed on our compatibility. On that very day we spoke of immediate marriage and were very happy.
We were planning on telling our families in a straight-forward manner. However, we saw evidence of discriminative behaviour from my family as in that time my sister requested to marry a practising man who wasn’t a scholar. My father’s answer was ‘if you aren’t an Aalim, you aren’t human’, and refusing for her to marry someone outside our ‘prestigious family of scholars’, he house-locked her (it’s been a year now) and threatened to report the practising brother to the police.
In terms of myself, we prayed istikhaara about marrying, and saw good signs. However, this brother was in another country, and without a title, we could only guess the horrible, violent, and damaging consequences of telling them. Out of desperation in not wanting to fall into fitnah, we decided to marry asap by proxy under authentic guidelines on darulfiqh.com. My family doesn't know, but we are now married.
Please advise us on what we should do now and in how to approach my parents to tell them.

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatullāhi wa-barakātuh
Aside from the issue of it being improper for you and the brother to interact on the internet which resulted in a resolve to marry each other, it was against the dictates of the Shariʿah for you and him to get married in the manner you have described, even though you anticipated a negative reaction from your parents with regards to marrying him.
The issue of Nikāḥ being valid if conducted by proxy with the necessary requirements for a valid Nikāḥ does not affect the Shariʿah’s discouragement of marrying without the knowledge of one’s parents, let alone their consent. It is improbable for a happy marriage to exist and the couple to be living together if the marriage itself is a secret.
Considering that the brother is from another country, that your only acquaintance with him seems to be via the internet (or other method of distant communication) and that the Nikāḥ took place in secrecy, it is best that you discuss your issue with your senior teachers, seek their guidance in the way forward and request their direct involvement and personal attention in resolving your predicament after giving due consideration to all the details of your issue.
You should take the courage to disclose the occurrence to your seniors and engage them in resolving your issue before your uneasiness prevails or the matter deteriorates. Also, while you consult your seniors, on a personal level you should suspend all communication with the brother as this is a vital step towards a feasible solution to your problem.
And Allah Taʿālā Knows Best
Mahmood Patel
Student, Darul Iftaa
Azaadville, South Africa
Checked and Approved by
Mufti Ebrahim Desai