Question Summary:
Social Complexities Of Marriage And Dealing With Parents Question Detail:
I am a boy, living in Europe. I am finishing basic studies, because I stopped studying to become a Hafiz, in Engalnd a few years ago. I am passing through a very bad situation right now, since some months ago, and I need some answers to my problem.
The situation is I met a girl, and both our families are aware of us, and we want to make nikkah as soon as possible, if it was from us, we would have make nikkah many months ago. The problem is, I don't want to study more, and my family is obligating me to study. They don't let me make nikkah, and even don't let me make Alim class, they just want me to study study study. I want to make nikkah first, before anything else, before studying and before alim, but they want to make nikkah just next year, and right now want to make engagements and those kind of stuff. I agree with proposing, but not with engagement for long long months.
Another situation is my father, he is too temperamental and he becomes nervous often, he is having many bad behaviours towards me and Islam. He is treating my mother very badly, insulting her, and is saying to me that is not Allah who gives risk to me, is him, and without him I can't do nothing. He even told me that I can leave the house, and he won't help me with marriage and with money and etc. When I talk about Islam and Allah, he starts insulting Islam and Allah.
I am very tired and decided to do some things in my life, since these situations are happening from some months ago and I am having much Sabr. I know that we cannot make nikkah hidden, but, in this case we won't do it hidden. I also know that I can't run away, but I talked to my mother about going away and starting my life...
So, I want to know, besides asking Allah's help and dua what can I do more. And, my ideia and decision is, just leave my parent's house for some days so I can fresh up my mind, and make nikkah with the girl in these days out, this way, no one can bother us now, and then I can study how they are obligating me. It is not running away, it is just leaving for some days, making nikkah, fresh up the mind and come back to them. I really really have intention to make things properly, and if my father continues with this behaviour I believe that I can start up my life, working and etc with Allah's help since I am trying to do the rightest thing. I repeat I am not running away! I even talked to my mum about this... Of course she became sad, but it is not my intention to run away it is just to fulfill my intentions.
I am aware of what says in the Quran and everything that is why I want to do it, I want to make nikkah NOT to fulffil desires, but so I can make everything, with ALLAH'S PLEASURE. Of course I am afraid of my parents saddness, but the situation is this... And I belive their saddness inshaAllah will pass, because they'll see me happy.
Please I need an urgent answer, hope you understand the situation,
Answer :
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You refer to three issues in your question:
1. Nikaah
2. Your father’s attitude and leaving Home
3. Studying
1. You state that you met a girl and would like to make Nikaah as soon as possible. However, your parents do not want you to get married until you complete your studies.
Your relationship with the girl is impermissible. You should therefore abandon all contact with her.
Shariah accords significant importance to the institution of Nikaah.
Rasullullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) said:
عن علي بن أبي طالب أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال له يا علي ثلاث لا تؤخرها الصلاة إذا آنت والجنازة إذا حضرت والأيم إذا وجدت لها كفئا قال أبو عيسى هذا حديث غريب حسن
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayi Wa Sallam) mentioned to Hadhrat Ali (Rdhiyallahu Anhu):
“Oh Ali! Do not delay in three things: salah when its time sets in, burial of a deceased when it is ready and the marriage of an unmarried lady when a suitable match is found. (Tirmidhi, 171)
The importance and significance of Nikaah is evident from the above Hadeeth.
You should explain to your parents the importance and significance of Nikaah. You should also explain to them your need for getting married.
It might be a good idea for you to obtain some booklets on the importance of Nikaah in Islam and keep them within close range of your parents.
Consult with a relative or close family friend who might be able to convince your parents to get you married.
Employ Hikmah (wisdom) when dealing with one’s parents. Your parents nurtured you and took care of you during your infancy and childhood.
Always be diplomatic in your approach towards your parents. You might have the right objective and aim in mind, but the method of conveying the message across maybe totally incorrect and not suitable to the situation. Always deploy wisdom when dealing with such serious matters.
2. You state that your father is temperamental and abuses you. You also state that you wish to leave home.
Shariah emphasizes the importance of respecting one’s parents. Always show respect to one’s parents. Do not let your religiousness affect your relationship with your parents.
Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) says:
و وصينا الانسان بوالديه احسانا
“And we have enjoined upon Mankind showing compassion to parents” ( Surah al- Ankaboot, chapter 29, verse 8)
Employ wisdom when dealing with your father. Explain your situation to a close relative whom you trust and confide in.
You state that you wish to leave home and make Nikaah. You should adopt all means to pacify your parents and explain to them your situation. Adopt Sabr and patience. Du’aa is the weapon of a believer. Turn to Allah (Subahanahu Wa Ta’ala) and make excessive Du’aa to Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala).
3. Explain to your parents the great rewards and merits in studying Deeni knowledge. Obtain some booklets on the virtues and merits of studying Ilme- Deen and keep them within close range of your father. Explain to your parents the lofty position of one who studies Ilme- Deen.
Kindly refer to Fatwaa # 19721 at the following link for more details: http://www.askimam.org/fatwa/fatwa.php?askid=eb1ab1b18bb69b2777c47de010e177f0
We advise you to carefully consider your options before making any decision. One should take into consideration one’s Deen/religion before making any decision. Make adherence to Shariah a priority before all other priorities. Make adherence to Shariah the determining factor in making your final decision.
We make Du’aa that Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) alleviate you from your problems and predicaments. Aameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Ismail Desai,
Student Darul Iftaa
Durban, South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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