Question Summary:
I want to be a good father and wife.How can I stop what I am doing?

Question Detail:

salamualay Kum,
I am trying to go deeper in Islam however I am not reading all my salah, but inshallah I will get there very soon.I am currently having a major issue in my life, I am unable to stop seeing other women.I am paying for these women no relationships.I am married and I have a son of 3 years old on the other hand my wife is pregnant we are expecting a 2nd child.I must be very selfish that I am causing these sins?I need to know how I can stop these sins?Is this due to the fact I was in a forced marriage and my wife who I only saw 2 times before my wedding was heavily make overed up?when I saw my wife on the day after the wedding night it revealed her true apearance, I was immediately put off, I have never been attractive to her.Please please brother help me, I want to stop what I am doing and be a good father and wife.How can I stop what I am doing?

Answer :

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Attraction to women is natural. Allah says in the Quran, “The love for women has been beautified for people.” You are not alone in this. Generally every man is attracted to the opposite gender and this is Allah’s way of testing man. A man has to fulfill his basic desires in a permissible way and exercise restraint in trespassing the laws of Allah. Allah has given us the strength and ability to exercise restraint as He does not order us to do impossible things. If we exercise restraint and adopt taqwa, there is great reward for that. Conversely, if we give in to our desires and passion and violate the laws of Allah, which is a major sin, it will incur the anger and wrath of Allah. You know you are committing a sin and Allah has given you the realization of that and the yearning to reform yourself. Thank Allah for that thought. You should capitalize on that and regard it to be an opportunity to reflect, repent and change your life.

Do not let Shaitan deter you from your intention to reform. Guard yourself from the whispers and evil thoughts of Shaitan.

Your feeling that your sins are due to your wife’s appearance is nothing but a whisper and evil thought of the Shaitan. The Shaitan is misleading you to justify your wrong and attempting to create an excuse that is appeasing to your Nafs.

What would you say if you were married to the most beautiful woman in the world and her appearance changed due to some reason or the other?

The figure, beauty and appearance of a woman is only skin deep. Furthermore, you could ask your wife to wear the makeup as you had seen her first.

You should reflect on the purpose of life and renew your focus. We are created to be tested by Allah. We are getting older everyday and nearing death. Fear Allah and the Last Day when we will meet Allah and He will take account of us. Allah created the strength in us to control ourselves. Also assess your situation if you are doing or seeing something that aggravates your desires. Abstain from that and lower your gaze. If you have desires, go to your wife and satisfy yourself.

You should also understand the condition of your wife. If you, as a man, have a headache or backache, you lose all interest in life. Your focus will be on the pain and the alleviation of the pain. Doesn’t your wife have a right to feel like that? She has conceived and carried before and is still carrying your child. There is a huge imbalance in her body partly due to you. Imagine what she is going through. The child in her womb is draining her of her energy and the child is constantly growing. Would you carry an average of two kg for every second of twenty-four hours? She is carrying the weight for you for an average of every second of approximately 250 days. What a sacrifice. The pain of birth and after birth is yet a bigger sacrifice.

Instead of sympathizing with her and feeling her pain, you are pursuing your desires. That is a big shame. What answer will you give Allah when He questions you that your wife was carrying your child and you chased other women at that time?

Inculcate in you the values of humanity and control your desires. Don’t leave your desires free or else the appetite or desires will ruin you. Alhamdulillah, you want to change and the foundation for that is courage and self determination to stop.

I also suggest you identify a pious person in your area and stay in his company. The good habits of the pious will rub on to you. Frequent the masjid and recite some portion of the Quran daily. Think and ponder of Allah and His powers. That will give you peace and contentment that the enjoyment with women can never be matched with that. You slept with women. How do you feel now? Still restless, no peace. It is clear that peace does not lie there. It lies with the Creator of Peace, Allah Taala. Turn to Him and He will give you peace and contentment. For that sincerity, sacrifice and patience is required.

And Allah knows best

Wassalam

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In'aamiyyah