Question Summary:
I got nikaahed to a person 4 years back , and I eventually started loving him madly…… My departure was supposed to happen in 5 or 6 months, and I was living with my parents during all this duration …..In a matter of days he became the most important person in my life……We met alone a

Question Detail:

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I  got nikaahed to a person 4 years back , and I eventually started loving him madly…… My departure was supposed to happen in 5 or 6 months, and I was living with my parents during all this duration …..In a matter of days he became the most important person in my life……We met alone a couple of times, but the marriage was not consummated……We were madly in love with each other and were really happy together, except that at times he used to get extremely suspicious about me, linking me with one of my class fellows……That was very disturbing for me …And at times I used to feel he is under the effect of some drugs…….
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 .Just before my departure (marriage) rukhsati after 6 months, we came to know certain things about his past from a very close friend of his…..We came to know that he is taking drugs, and he had been into illicit relations with both the genders….I don’t know how true was all that, but the only thing that he admitted was that he was taking drugs..…….My parents totally went against him , they wanted a divorce but I didn’t……………I tried to convince them ,………..I was so madly in love with him ,that I went into major depression after all this,………I tried my best to convince them , he was ready to quit drugs , and went into a rehabilitation ……I thought that if Allah would be against this divorce , he would turn the hearts of my parents , but this never happened.….I thought maybe I should do istikhara and ask Allah, and I told my parents that I don’t trust them and I would do whatever Allah would want me to do……..I did istikhara , and saw a dream in the istikhara…
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       ( I saw that he has come to our place , and it seemed like a reconcilation , everything was fine , my parents were happy with our relation, and in the dream I was so happy to get him back,  Everybody was so happy , my husband was happy too………… I am sitting with him, talking to him when I realize he is on some medicines, when I asked him what medicines he is taking he told me he has AIDS and he is taking medicines for AIDS…….After that the entire mood of the dream changes, .i was shocked and in the dream I saw myself getting away from him, And then I was not with him anymore),……….
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  I interpreted this istikhara myself, and I thought this is a clear indication that I should get a divorce……
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I got a divorce after a whole year …….. .its been 4 years now …So many proposals keep on coming but couldn’t materialize for one reason or another……I still cant get him out of my mind and heart…………I still think its difficult to marry someone other than him,……….I now think I shouldn’t have gone for a divorce,……..At times I doubt , what if the istikhara was an indication for a  reconciliation rather than a divorce , and what if I have taken a wrong decision,………..I am turning old and haven’t been able to marry , I blame my parents for  getting a divorce , when I was sooo happy with him……….
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My parents say that Allah wanted a divorce for you, that’s why He disclosed everything about Him just before marriage, but I believe  Allah would never want a divorce for any one , as it’s the most unwanted thing in front of Him…….………
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My sufferings have increased by every passing day,……….I cry for most of the time,…….I am a doctor by profession, I used be very ambitious,…….I have lost interest in everything……..Its been 4 years that I have restricted myself to my room……….I don’t have the same relations hip with my parents…………I love them but somewhere inside  I blame them for the pain that I am going through………I am unable to do anything, no will power, no strength,…….I don’t trust Allah,…….At times I feel I had taken the wrong decision of getting a divorce,……….I still feel he was the best person I could ever get,……….My parents are looking for a match for me for the past 4 years , but  no success…….this thing is so torturing,…….Being labeled divorce without even getting married,…being rejected soo many times, it has killed my esteem………The more it hurts , the more I blame my parents……..I feel the pain I am going thru is so unbearable that no man can ever toleatre i……….I had a strong belief that Allah cant give some one so much pain without a reason,……….I might have done something really bad in my past,………….At times I ask for  forgiveness from Him, but nothing is working……….He doesn’t seem to listen to me……….I have lost all hopes in Him , At times i pray for forgiveness and then at other times , I lose all hopes in Him, and stop asking him fro anything,……….
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Why is He giving so much pain to me? I seriously need an answer?
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1…Was my decision right to get a divorce, when I haven’t still been able to get him out of my mind?
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2…If the decision was right , why after so many years I am still unmarried , people reject me for different reasons  , I am so depressed  and often wish to die..
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3…Was the istikhara really an indication for a divorce or did I interpreted it wrong?
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4…Why would Allah want a divorce for someone, as he himself say it should be avoided?
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5…Is there any chance that I can marry him again without an intervening marriage?
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6…Am I right in blaming my parents for forcing me to get a divorce, when we were so happy together and he was trying to get rid of the drugs?

Answer :

Respected sister in Islam,
 
Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
 
Assalaamu’alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuhu.
 
Please forgive us for the delay in responding to your mail. Jazakillah for writing to us about the agony and pain that you have been experiencing for such a long time.
 
Allow me to highlight  certain aspects of your mail. You had grown to love this man very dearly. You were given information about this man from people who knew him. Although he admitted to taking drugs, he denied that he was sleeping around with men and women. As I understand it, he also went into a rehab for the drug problem. You did not consummate your nikah with him and when your parents found out about his past, they decided that you should break off the nikah.
 
You also mention that he was extremely jealous and paranoid about you  Seeing that you are a doctor, do you think that this was a healthy way to start a marriage and a lifelong relationship? Sister, did  you give him any reason to be jealous and paranoid about you? Deep down, didn’t you feel some anxiety, fear or misgivings that this was a strange way for him to behave with you when he knew your family background and the type of person you are?
 
How did you account for his drug abuse? Did you feel that you could be a rescuer and make him change. Combined with his irrational behaviour with you, didn’t it occur to you that it was just possible that his brain was organically affected by the drugs already? Why else would he be suspicious and paranoid? Did you expect that this problem would not escalate once you started living with him? Further, what proof do you have that he was not a philanderer and that he perhaps did not have STD/s or worse? Could it not be that Allah Ta’ala gave you a clear warning in your isitigaraah that this was not the person for you?
 
Your isitigaraah revealed to you that he was taking medication for  AIDS and you actually saw yourself moving away from him as you were shocked with this revelation. I have put your paragraph in bold below. Your own isitigaraah revealed clearly that you should get a divorce from him. Sister, you decided to end what could have turned out to be a very unhealthy relationship with a man who did not appear to be all he seemed to be. Sometimes we do not understand that what we think is good for us may actually turn out to be bad for us. Sometimes we think that something is bad for us but it turns out that Allah Ta’ala knows that it is best for us.
 
You say that you blame your parents for your divorce. As I understand it, (if you think carefully, you made the decision) and they supported you in carrying it through. This took place more than 4 years ago and you still hanker after him. I would like to point out to you that Allah Ta’ala in His infinite Mercy saved you from a disaster. Allah Ta’ala has nothing to gain by “putting you into difficulty”. Sister, His love for all His creation is far greater than any love any human being could have for another. Nay, if we put together the love of every human being on earth for every other human being, Allah Ta’ala’s love will far outweigh the combined love of mankind.
 
All this occurred a long time ago. You now find yourself caged in, unable to leave your room and move forward. This is shaitaan’s work as he is our avowed enemy. He has plunged you into a state of despair, depression and hopelessness.
 He is pleased that you are unable to make a success of your life. Your grief over the divorce has been going on for too long and it has led to an element of morbidity in your thoughts.
 
From what you write, I detect that you have tremendous potential to make a success of your life. You strike me as a woman who can offer a lot to those around you. Since you say that you have not let yourself out of your room for nearly 4 years, allow someone in the family whom you are close to help you to take small steps to start your life anew. Perhaps a sister, brother or an aunt, uncle or friend. Accept the help that is offered to you.
Open your heart to those around you who care for you. You have it within you to turn around all the negativity that surrounds you.
 
You ask the question why people go on rejecting you for different reasons.  Has it occurred to you that they sense the negative vibes coming from you since you are still very angry and have not worked through the issues that hurt you? It may come through in your tone of voice, your body language or your non -verbal cues as you interact with them. Without realising it, you could be hurting your cause even more.
 
Do remember that divorce is allowed in Islam. No woman is expected to marry/ remain with a man who is an addict or a philanderer. It is not a disgrace or shameful to break off a nikah in these circumstances. From the way I understand it, the divorce was a combination of your isitigaraah and your parents’ concern for you. There is so much water under the bridge now that perhaps it will be pointless for you to think of this man. He may consider that you are a lost cause and this is why you are coming back to him. This could result in him taking a tremendous amount of advantage of you. You will also be vulnerable as you may think that you should do anything to please and placate him for taking a divorce. You could actually open yourself for future abuse. Or he may have already made a life for himself and it is pointless in turning to him now as he could be harboring anger towards you and the family.  Perhaps you should consider dealing with your pain first and then giving yourself a chance to be happy with someone else.
 
The choices are yours. Only you can make headway by making a decision that is best for you.  It is also wise to allow your parents or someone elder in the family to guide you.  
 
Allow me to also suggest that you go for professional counselling for as long as you think it is necessary. Please make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I do not say that you are mentally ill or crazy. What I am saying is that you need professional help to turn this unfortunate episode in your life so that you can become the person you feel comfortable with.
 
You say that you have lost trust and faith in Allah Ta’ala. Allah Ta’ala has nothing to gain from making us suffer. You are a beloved creation of Allah Ta’ala and He will not abandon you.
We have to take responsibility for our choices, decisions and actions. We have to accept that sometimes our own actions and deeds bring about great tests from Allah Ta’ala. It is His way to make us turn to Him with firm faith and submission. All He requires from us is our obedience to His commandments, e.g. 5 times salaah, abstinence from sin,  and leading a life whereby we seek His pleasure and strive to keep ourselves out of the clutches of shaitaan.
 
I hope I have addressed all the issues you have raised. Please write again if you wish.
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sister Fadila,
B.A. (Sociology & Psychology) Unisa.
Social Work (NDP) Unisa.
Contact :    031 207 6483
082 833 9755
Durban, South Africa
 
Checked and Approved by,
Muftī Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net