Question Summary:
I’m married but continue to lust after women. What can I do? Question Detail:
Unfortunately, although I am married I still commit zina by watching videos online and looking at non mahram women daily in real life, with lust and bad thoughts. And sometimes, when my wife is not ready for me, I satisfy myself through haraam means.
Answer :
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
May Allah reward you for recognizing the issues you are facing and seeking help for them. The fact that you acknowledge the issue exists and are willing to put in a serious effort is very important to the overall process. May Allah grant you patience, perseverance and steadfastness. Ameen.
You should adopt a two-pronged approach to address this issue: a.) a practical approach and b.) a spiritual approach.
Practical Approach:
1.) Speak with your wife about your needs. If her daily schedule is difficult – do your best to provide her relief (i.e. with household chores, etc.) so that she can get into the mood. Plan before hand as well. Often, subtle changes in the schedule and a little bit of planning can make a lot of difference in an age where our lives keep getting busier and more distracting. It is very important to emphasize her pleasure as well so that she also looks forward to it.
2.) Bring your laptop and/or computer into a room that is not private (e.g. the living room or the dining room). In addition, get a very large computer screen and place it in such a way so that whatever online activities you undertake are clearly visible. Under no circumstances should you keep the computer in a private study or room. The purpose is to keep it in a public area of your home to prevent any private time.
3.) Impose a monetary penalty on yourself at a level that will cause you a bit of discomfort and make you think twice before viewing pornography or engaging in any activity of lusting at other women. Make an intention to deposit this money at a masjid every time you fall prey to this sin.
4.) Take up one or more hobbies to keep yourself busy after work and on the weekends. Make it a priority to plan your time ahead so you do not find yourself alone with ample amounts of free time. Plan weekend trips with your family, or spend a day at the park, a museum, the local library and so on. You have to keep your schedule full. An idle mind is the devil's workshop.
5.) If a thought comes to your mind about viewing pornography, do not think of it as something harmless. Rather, do your best to discard it, and take up a useful activity. Do not let it develop further. Your getting random feelings might be out of your control, but you are fueling these feelings. These feelings are also fueled by deliberately thinking about such situations instead of ejecting that thought from your mind. Always turn immediately to something beneficial to keep your mind to replace any stray thoughts.
Spiritual Approach:
1.) You can enroll at a local institute or an online learning institute to learn Arabic or other Islamic subjects. This way you will be spending your time in a beneficial way and progress in your knowledge about Islam.
2.) Offer as many of your daily Salah in the Masjid as often as possible. This will keep you constantly engaged, and frequenting the house of Allah is an excellent way of seeking refuge from Shaytan and one's nafs. After Salah spend some time remembering Allah, or simply sitting and pondering upon the creation of Allah, and how much Allah has blessed you. Soak up the spirituality of the house of Allah on each visit, and you will find yourself with renewed strength to resist these desires and temptations, Insha-Allah.
3.) Create a consciousness of Allah being with you at all times. The famous scholar and saint, Sahl Al-Tastari (rahmatallahi alayhi) was told by his uncle to read at night: “Allah is with me, Allah is watching me, Allah is aware of my actions.” Make it a habit to recite this whenever you feel a thought creeping in your mind along with ta'wwuz (seeking refuge in Allah from Shaytan).
4.) Make dua to Allah to increase love between you and your wife, to make her attractive to you and to make you attractive to her, and to make it easy for you to fulfill your desires and satisfy her as well. Memorize the duas that are read at the time of intimacy. Insha-Allah, the blessings of that will manifest in your increased desire and love for her and vice-versa.
Insha-Allah, hopefully by applying a spiritual and practical approach you will be at peace with yourself and be able to resist all such temptations. May Allah help you and guide you. Ameen
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best,
Mufti Sohail ibn Arif,
Assistant Mufti, Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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