Question Summary:
I think I am a hypocrite

Question Detail:

i think i am a hypocrite,and i have totally lost my eman!i don't know how to go back to Allah SWT.My main problem is internalizing and understanding that i am an 'abd',a slave of Allah SWT.do you think you or anyone can help me in any way??

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
It is clear from your email that you regard the loss of Imaan to be a total loss. You also think and fear being a hypocrite. When a believer fears hypocrisy, that is a clear sign of Imaan. A real hypocrite does not fear hypocrisy. He enjoys hypocrisy. In your case, you hate hypocrisy and fear being a hypocrite.
You enquire about internalising about being an ‘Abd’ (slave). A slave is owned by his master and he has no choice in anything, not in his name, eating, clothing or sleeping. His master decides everything for him. In the context of Imaan, a true slave submits every aspect of his life to the decree of Allah. In order to inculcate the quality of ‘Abd’ (Abdiyyat) in you, before doing anything, question yourself if what you are doing is it according to the order of Allah. If so, carry it out with the intention of pleasing Allah, Our Master. Say to yourself, I am the slave of Allah. I am submitting to my Master as a sincere slave. If what you are doing is wrong, desist from it. Make intention, my Master Allah will be displeased. How can I as a slave displease my Allah? If you adopt this thinking in everything you do, the quality of ‘Abd’ (Abdiyyat) will manifest itself in all aspects of your life.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Safwaan Ibn Ml Ahmed Ibn Ibrahim
Student Darul Iftaa
Limbe, Malawi
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.