Question Summary:
What role do I play in the following situation?

Question Detail:

Respected Imam, I am a 26 year old male and have been married for almost two years now. I live with my parents and my brother (with his family) in the same house in KSA. I consulted you about my marriage through the website and got very steadfast and encouraging answer which has helped me a lot. As a background, my marriage was a bit unique in a sense that I have a condition where medically, doctors have come to a conclusion that I may not be able to have children. This was communicated to my wife and her family clearly before marriage but Alhamdulillah they have a very religious background and they accepted it as being so by the Will of Allah. As I was very conscious of my condition from the beginning, the first year or so was very difficult for both of us, but Allah made it easy.
My wife has been very understanding and has supported me very much and we have a good understanding now Alhamdulillah. She is also very respectful to my parents and even though she gets very confused and distressed by some of the things my mother says, she has never spoken rudely or answered back. The first year was also tough because I believe my parents could not completely get used to the fact that after marriage, we as sons need our fair freedom in terms of shopping or going for outings. Alhamdulillah, my mother has always had a very religious influence on our lives, always made sure that we are regular in our prayers, Quran, practicing the Sunnah of Rasulullah (SAW) and utilizing our time trying to please Allah.
This influence has proved to become very tough after marriage as she considers a lot of things as wastage of time which I like to do with my wife such as going out for a drive, having occasional meals from halal restaurants, going to malls etc. (My wife observes complete Hijab Alhamdulillah). My mother has also expressed to my wife that she is in full control of the household and no one can go against her will especially when she speaks in the light of Islam (I did strongly suggest to my mother that she should not be seen as a dominating figure but to no avail).
This situation really undermines my position as a husband and I find it difficult to go about my own way in religious matters and in worldly matters. My mother also does not like to be involved in the kitchen affairs but also gets upset if things don’t go as she likes. Her spontaneous suggestions cause misunderstanding among all the three ladies (my wife, my mother and my brother’s wife). My mother also openly expresses favoritism for my wife in comparison to my brother’s wife which causes very sensitive circumstances. I understand that my mother has very good intentions but I feel she is not a good manager or a leader.
After a about a year of marriage, I sat down with both of my parents and respectfully explained to them about how I would like them to let me live my life (both religious and worldly) and they have improved very much since then. But the problems do flare up every now and then. My father tries to settle matters but mostly does not get involved. My wife’s heart has closed itself to my mother and just tries to keep her happy and satisfied while avoiding her company as she feels that my mother is not willing to think/listen to/agree to anything out of her own ideas and thoughts. Since beginning, I had wanted her to be close to my mother and made all attempts but I failed.
When I feel my mother is in the wrong, I side openly with my wife when we are alone even though guilty inside when I face my mother or when she asks if my wife has been talking about her. The problem now comes if I want to go out in Tableegh, my wife finds it very hard to accept it as she is not convinced of Tableegh (also I feel my mother has tried to impose it on her inappropriately), she gets lonely (her family/relatives are in Pakistan), she is not comfortable with my mother and feels like I am being pressurized by my parents despite my assurance of otherwise. I would like you to advise me as to what role should I play to bring my family close?
Is my stance correct when we discuss my mother in private and I correct or console my wife? How I should introduce tableegh to my wife such that she facilitates my khurooj and gets to love this noble work. Lastly, I request you to make dua that may Allah grant us pious, healthy offspring and may He keep us steadfast in faith and make us from among the Muqarribeen. Ameen…Jazakumullahu Khair

Answer :

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
 
We have taken note of your balancing act between your wife and your mother. As a person in between, you will be the target of distrust from both, your mother and your wife. This is indeed a great challenge for a person who is a son and a husband. Try your level best to adopt a combined approach of principle and love to both of them .When a principle is violated, love compensates for it and principle has the potential to discipline love. 
It will be useful to gather the successful experiences of tableegh jamaat (kaalguzari) and occasionally share such experiences with your wife. Information of success has a positive impact. 
 
 
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Jibran Kadarkhan
Student Darul Iftaa
Mauritius 
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.